In Life as in Death
by ohsoalisonking
Summary: Carla's baby is stillborn and she shares her thoughts with her. Some may find this upsetting.


It had been the longest thirteen hours of Carla's life. It had been filled with pain, fear, confusion, excitement and any other emotion known to humankind. Fear overrode everything else as she knew something was wrong; it was too early for her baby to be born. But with a final push and Michelle squeezing her hand and wiping her forehead, Carla breathed a sigh of relief as a young midwife, barely out of nappies herself spoke "well done Carla, it's all over, you've got a little girl" which sent the new mum into floods of tears. She never imagined herself being a mum, she never thought she could love a baby so much that nothing else mattered. But here she was, about to hold her daughter for the first time.

Carla was quickly pulled back to reality when midwives and doctors started rushing around the room and her baby still wasn't in her arms. "What's wrong with her?" She shouted "what's wrong?" Tears fell once again, but this time tears of fear and grief as she knew what the nurse was about to say before she even opened her mouth.

"I'm very sorry Carla, but your daughter was stillborn. There isn't anything we can do. Please take as much time as you need"

The silence in the room echoed. Her baby was the only thing she had left, but with her gone and Peter, she didn't know what to do.

"Wait" Carla called after the midwife. "Can I hold her?"

"I dont think that's a good idea" Michelle jumped in, concerned.

"Well..." The nurse hesitated.

"Have you got children?" Carla asked.

"Yes, two daughters" she replied.

"How old?"

"Ten and eight"

"So you've had eight years of holding your babies. You know you can go home tonight and cuddle them and love them. I just want something to hold on to, to treasure forever"

"Alright" the nurse replied, obviously deep in thought about her own children. She wrapped Carla's baby in a blanket and handed her to her mum.

Carla held her like a china doll at first, frightened of dropping her or breaking her. She looked so peaceful. So small. Emotions ran high as both Carla and Michelle broke down.

"What do I do now 'Chelle?"

"Now, you grieve for your baby, and for your marriage, and then you get your factory and your life back. You live the life your baby can't. I'll give you a minute" she bit back her tears as she made for the door, leaving Carla and her baby alone.

"Hello beautiful, I'm your mummy. I know you're not really here, but I'm sure you can hear me from heaven. You're better off up there, everything's a bit of a mess down here; your dad's a cheating liar, but your uncle Rob is alright...in small doses. He's marrying your auntie Tracy; she's a bit of a one, you keep your eye on her. Her mum Deirdre is lovely, patience of a saint. Your auntie Michelle is outside, I don't know how I would have got through the past ten years without her, we've been through so much, and I know I can only let you go if she's here. She can be a right stroppy cow but so can I.

You'll be up there now with your auntie Hayley and I know she'll be looking out for you. I wish she were here now, she'd know the exact right thing to say and do, God I miss her. If you were really here, if you had grown up to be like Hayley, you would have been set for life."

Carla paused for a moment, deep in thought. "Hayley...that's what I'm going to call you, Hayley Connor. Oh baby I can't even tell you how sorry I am that to begin with I never even wanted you. Now I don't think I can let you go. You were safe inside me, I loved knowing you were in me and I could talk to you and put my hands on my tummy and know you were inside. Maybe this is all my fault, maybe because I didn't want you, mother nature decided I couldn't have you, oh darling I'm so, so sorry. You are the most beautiful little thing in the whole world, you've definitely got my nose" Carla gently ran her finger over Hayley's button nose. She stroked her head with her fingertips. She still felt warm. Carla leant down and breathed her baby in, locking her scent into her brain forever.

I couldn't imagine myself pushing a pram, picking you up from school, arguing with a teenage you, meeting your boyfriends, watching you get married, have your own children. But it's not the big things like that I'll miss most. I say I'll miss it but how can you miss what you never had? The things I were looking forward to most were taking you shopping, going to the park, cuddling up in front of the tv together, just spending time with you and loving you.

"I am never going to forget you baby, never. And one day, when I'm old and it's my time to hop off this world and join you upstairs, I'm going to hold you in my arms, just like this and I will never let you go again. I know people say you don't get any older in Heaven, but what do we know eh, none of us have done it and come back to say what it's like up there. I reckon you're going to grow up into the most perfect young lady and you won't take any nonsense from anyone. But you won't be like me, or your dad, you'll be kind and honest...and you'll have my brains and your dad's wit... But what does any of that matter now.

It's time now isn't it sweetheart, for me to let you go and get some rest" Carla placed a gentle kiss on her daughter's forehead and took a mental picture of every single detail of the little girl. "Sleep tight baby, mummy loves you"


End file.
